The DARVO Tactic: What It Is and How to Recognize It

Not long ago I came across a term that immediately stopped me in my tracks. The moment I read the description, I recognized the pattern. I have seen it in a relationship where honest conversation has slowly become impossible. The term was DARVO, and understanding it helped me finally make sense of why some conflicts never move toward resolution.

Simply put, the DARVO Tactic is a manipulation pattern where someone confronted about wrongdoing denies it, attacks the person raising the concern, and then reverses the roles so the offender appears to be the victim.

The term DARVO was first identified by psychologist Jennifer Freyd to describe a pattern that often appears when someone is confronted about wrongdoing. Understanding the three steps behind the acronym helps explain why certain conversations spiral instead of leading to resolution.

Deny: The First Step of DARVO

The first step is denial. When someone is confronted about something harmful or dishonest, the response is an immediate refusal to acknowledge the issue. The behavior never happened. The accusation is exaggerated or false. The concern is dismissed before it can even be discussed.

This is the opposite of the posture Scripture calls believers to have. James 1:19 reminds us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Humility leaves room to consider whether a concern might be valid. Denial shuts that door immediately.

Attack: Shifting the Focus

The second step is attack. Instead of addressing the concern itself, the person shifts attention to the character or motives of the one who spoke up. The conversation moves away from the original issue and becomes a criticism of the person raising it.

Suddenly the message becomes clear. You are the problem. Your motives are questioned. Your character is challenged. The issue that was originally raised fades into the background.

Scripture consistently warns against this kind of distortion of truth. Proverbs 12:17 says, “Whoever speaks the truth gives honest evidence, but a false witness utters deceit.” When someone attacks the messenger instead of addressing the truth, the conversation is no longer about understanding what is right.

Reverse Victim and Offender: Flipping the Truth

The final step is the reversal. This is where the pattern becomes especially disorienting. The person who was confronted now claims to be the one who has been wronged. The offender becomes the victim, and the person seeking accountability is portrayed as the aggressor.

At this point the original concern is almost completely lost. The conversation is no longer about truth. It becomes a defense of the person who was confronted and an accusation against the one who raised the issue.

This reversal can leave people feeling confused and defensive. What began as an honest attempt to address a concern suddenly turns into an accusation against the person who spoke up.

The Bible teaches a very different response to wrongdoing. Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Confession and humility lead to restoration. Denial and blame shifting lead in the opposite direction.

How Christians Should Respond

Recognizing this pattern can be clarifying, but Christians still have to ask how to respond when they encounter it.

Scripture calls believers to pursue truth, humility, and peace in relationships. But it also acknowledges that reconciliation requires cooperation from both sides.

Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That verse carries an important implication. Peace is something we should pursue, but it is not always fully within our control.

If someone repeatedly denies truth, attacks the person raising concerns, and reverses the roles to avoid accountability, meaningful conversation may become impossible. In those situations the wisest response may simply be to step back.

Distance is not the same thing as hatred or unforgiveness. Sometimes it is a recognition that healthy relationships require honesty, humility, and a shared commitment to truth.

Recognizing patterns like DARVO can help people stop blaming themselves for conflicts they cannot resolve alone. When someone consistently refuses to deal honestly with the truth, the problem is no longer misunderstanding. It is resistance to accountability.

Healthy relationships cannot be built on a foundation where truth is constantly reversed.

As Christians, we are called to pursue truth with humility and grace. But grace does not require pretending that manipulation is healthy. When truth is repeatedly rejected, wisdom sometimes means stepping back and entrusting the situation to God.

Arch Kennedy
Bold, Unfiltered, and Unafraid