Many Christians with same-sex attraction (SSA) wake up every day carrying a burden few truly understand. This isn’t a passing temptation or a moral failure you can simply “stop doing.” It’s a deeply personal reality — a longing that doesn’t just disappear with willpower or prayer. And yet, for those of us who choose to follow Jesus, it means saying “no” to something that feels as natural as breathing. That’s why this subject isn’t just a culture war headline. It’s a daily, quiet ache — and for many of us, a daily act of obedience.
Many Christians with same-sex attraction live with daily longing and costly obedience, but God’s design is not cruel — it’s redemptive and full of hope.
A Different Kind of Cross
I’ve often heard people say things like, “We all struggle with sin,” or “It’s no different than someone struggling with pornography or adultery.” I know they mean well. And yes, sin is sin in God’s eyes — we’re all in need of grace. But what they often don’t understand is that this particular cross is different.
A straight Christian who battles lust can still, by God’s design, marry someone of the opposite sex, build a family, and walk in a relationship that God celebrates. But for those of us who experience same-sex attraction, obedience often means permanent singleness. It means carrying a longing that doesn’t have an earthly resolution. And that is a heavy, daily cost.
When people compare this to common struggles, they often miss that this isn’t chosen. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be attracted to the same sex. Neither did most who walk this road. The difference is, our obedience isn’t just about resisting a temptation in a moment — it’s about surrendering something that can feel core to who we are, every single day.
To My Straight Brothers and Sisters in Christ
I want to speak gently but honestly here. If you’ve never experienced this kind of longing, it’s easy to minimize it. I’ve heard phrases like, “We all have to carry our cross,” or “You just have to trust God.” While those statements are true, sometimes they land like a hammer on a wound.
Imagine being told that the thing your heart naturally longs for — companionship, marriage, romantic love — is something you can never have in a way that God blesses. It’s not a one-time denial. It’s a lifelong act of surrender.
That doesn’t mean SSA believers are victims. It means we’re human. And what we need most from you isn’t a theological lecture — it’s understanding, compassion, and walking with us. Your empathy can be a bridge that keeps someone tethered to faith when the weight of obedience feels crushing.
To My Fellow SSA Believers: You Are Not Alone
This part is for those of you who feel what I feel. Those who carry this every day and wonder if anyone else understands. I see you. More importantly, God sees you.
You’re not broken beyond repair. You’re not dirty. You’re not disqualified from God’s love or usefulness. Your struggle doesn’t make you a second-class Christian. In fact, every day you choose to follow Jesus in the midst of this longing, you are living out one of the most radical, beautiful acts of faith imaginable.
There are days when the ache feels unbearable. There are nights when loneliness feels like a fog that won’t lift. But please know this: God is near to the brokenhearted. He hasn’t forgotten you. And you don’t have to walk this road alone. There’s a growing number of believers who share this story — who are learning to follow Jesus faithfully, even in the longing.
God’s Design Is Redemptive, Not Cruel
This is the part the world often doesn’t understand — and sometimes, neither do we. God’s commands are not meant to crush us. He is not withholding love as some kind of punishment. He is inviting us into something higher: Himself.
Over time, many believers discover that as their relationship with God deepens, the longing for romantic fulfillment doesn’t necessarily vanish, but it loses its power to define them. Jesus becomes more precious than what was laid down. This doesn’t erase the pain, but it infuses it with purpose.
God’s design isn’t cruel — it’s redemptive. It reminds us that our ultimate hope isn’t found in human romance, but in Christ. One day, every unmet longing will be swallowed up in joy. Every tear will be wiped away. Every “no” we’ve said to the world will be met with a far greater “yes” from Him.
God Doesn’t Delight in Your Suffering
One of the lies that can creep into our hearts is the thought: God must enjoy watching me suffer. But the truth is, He doesn’t. God is not cruel. He’s not standing over us with folded arms. He’s the God who entered into suffering Himself.
Jesus knows what it’s like to be misunderstood, to be lonely, to be rejected. He doesn’t just command obedience — He walks with us in it. The ache may not disappear, but He transforms it into intimacy with Him, strength we didn’t know we had, and a testimony the world desperately needs to hear.
Jesus Carried This Too
When God calls us to a life of sexual purity — even when it means celibacy — He’s not asking us to do something foreign to Him. Jesus lived a fully human life. He walked this earth as a celibate man for 33 years. He experienced all the hormonal intensity, desires, and emotions that come with being human. He understands what it means to say “no” to romantic and sexual fulfillment.
This matters deeply. Because when He calls us to obedience, He’s not calling from a distance — He’s saying, “I’ve walked this road too.” That gives weight and comfort to His call. It means He doesn’t just sympathize — He truly understands.
Celibacy Is Not Second-Class
For centuries, followers of Jesus have embraced celibacy as a sacred calling. In the Catholic Church and in many other ministries, priests and leaders have chosen a life of singleness to serve God with undivided devotion. Celibacy is not a punishment — it’s a vocation that mirrors the life of Christ Himself.
And maybe — just maybe — this is part of our calling too. Maybe God has entrusted those of us with same-sex attraction with a unique opportunity to serve Him wholeheartedly, to reflect Jesus in a way that only a life of surrendered singleness can.
This doesn’t make the longing disappear. But it gives it purpose. It reframes celibacy from something to resent into something sacred — even if it’s still hard.
For a beautiful theological reflection on celibacy, I encourage you to read “Is Celibacy Cruel?” from The Gospel Coalition.
This Is Why It’s Such a Volatile Issue
This, I believe, is why this subject is so explosive in the church and culture today. It’s not just about theology or politics. It’s about real people who didn’t choose their attraction — people who are being asked to live lives of obedience that often involve profound personal cost.
This is why compassion matters. This is why understanding matters. And this is why the Church must talk about it with both truth and grace.
(Internal link: The Christian Response to Gender Ideology)
Hope Is Real
I want to be honest: some days are hard. Really hard. But my hope isn’t in my ability to be strong. It’s in Jesus. He is enough, even when the ache still lingers. And as I walk this journey, I’ve found that hope grows not because the struggle disappears, but because He meets me in it.
If you’re walking this road too, hear me clearly:
You are not alone.
You are not less loved.
And your obedience is not wasted.
God’s design is not cruel. It’s a redemptive story He’s writing — in you, through you, and for His glory.
Arch Kennedy
Bold, Unfiltered, and Unafraid
What Conversion Therapy Gets Wrong and What the Gospel Gets Right
Arch, thank you for this article. You have made many excellent points. My homosexual attractions began just prior to puberty when I was raped by a man I did not know. That was 60 years ago. I came to discover later in life that homosexuality and same-sex attractions (a fairly recent term) happen in the majority of boys resulting from trauma experienced in their early years.
What I wish you’d included in your article is that homosexuality or SSA does not force one into singleness as if there are no other options. Having dealt with this now for many decades myself, and being in ministry to men who deal with unwanted LGBTQ issues in their lives for 22 years, I have seen many men and women marry the opposite sex because God brought into their lives someone they believed they couldn’t live without for the rest of their lives, and God led them into marriage. While the man may not get aroused merely by the sight of his naked wife as our heterosexual counterparts do, most will repond with arousal to his wife’s touch sufficiently enough for intercourse, which has brought many children into the world through these marriages. I know of scores of these exact situations. I have counseled some of these men. In fact, that was my story as well. I’d been with hundreds of men sexually over an almost 30 year period, but with women I was a virgin on my wedding night to my wife. I’ve fathered three sons, all adults now.
Something else I wish you’d included is that for some men who are homosexual or SSA, God has touched them in such a miraculous way so that healing for them has meant going from completely SSA to OSA (opposite sex attracted). Others, such as myself, have received varius degrees of healing. For me, I am no longer ‘driven’ to hook up with men. For me it was a compulsion that I couldn’t resist for nearly 30 years, like I was being carried by some force to pursue hook-ups with guys. God delivered me from that compulsion. It has been 32 years since I’ve had any sexual contact with anyone but my wife. I still have the attractions which I manage by taking thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5b) and a commitment to honesty and truthfulness with accountability partners. But even those attractions have lessened over the years.
Again, thank you for your atricle. I am certain it will bring hope and a measure of healing to see written something they’ve felt stuck in most of their lives.
Thank you for your response to this article . I also wondered about what happens after salvation. I’m not gay nor have I ever been. Id like to understand because of ppl I know and love., so that I can encourage them in their christian walk. I’ve often wondered why ppl choose to suffer being lonely rather than choosing an opposite sex partner. I suppose they still need healing in that area before finding a partner.
Jesus loves the gays – Google gaychurch.org to find an affirming church near you and worship Jesus with Christians who love others.
There are no Scriptures that speak against mutual same sex love. The few Bible verses that do reference SSA – all reference non consensual sexual encounters, temple prostitution or sex with angels. Don’t let someone else scare you from being who God made you to be. Your authentic self is what god wants.
I appreciate your comment, but I have to lovingly disagree. Jesus absolutely loves all people—including those who identify as gay—but love doesn’t mean affirming what God clearly calls sin. Scripture is not silent on same-sex sexual relationships. Verses such as Romans 1, 1 Corinthians 6, and Leviticus 18 speak directly to same-sex acts—not just temple prostitution or non-consensual encounters.
God’s design for sexual intimacy is consistently affirmed in both the Old and New Testaments as between one man and one woman in marriage. Jesus Himself reaffirmed this in Matthew 19. Scripture calls all of us—not just those struggling with same-sex attraction—to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. That means surrendering any desire that contradicts His will.
Our “authentic self” outside of Christ is sinful. But the beauty of the Gospel is that Jesus transforms us into a new creation—not to celebrate our sin but to walk in freedom and truth.
Hi Arch
Great article, and there are alot of truths there. I did share it on Facebook on a Christian men’s page. Keep up the good work
Dear Arch,
Thank you for your careful formulation of SSA feelings and emotions. I am a woman and celibate “gay” for many years. Lived alone for 30 years and still going strong in same house.
At this age I am really done with feeling deeply guilty because of my automatic attraction to women. This had never been a choice. How could a 11 year old child choose her crushes for her female teachers?! It’s actually so shortsighted from many Christians scolding some of us of choosing wrong. Why would I choose wrong if I knew the very deep shame and guilt that followed me like a moon shadow.
I am from South Africa
God bless you for this profound work you presented us.